Week 7 Scores

Recap

Mike Gassett and “Under the Covers” appear to be dead in the water. Truly just terrible luck. Not only are all of his Bachelor players gone going into hometown dates, but he has only one Challenge Contestant left, while Tom and Alex have 3 apiece, and Juozas’s team is untouched. At this point Mike’s only chance would be a threesome involving Snooki, Sammi, and The Unit. And even that might not save his team.

The league is in an interesting position. Both Unconcealed Erection and Leap of Faith have two remaining would-be Mrs. Rafa left. This gives them a huge point scoring opportunity while Mike and Juozas can do nothing but look on. However, Gasick and Juozas clearly have the two strongest Challenge teams. It will be interesting to see how this dynamic plays out. It is going to be a battle to the finish between Tom, Alex, and Juozas, while Mike struggles to stay afloat until a new show starts up.

Team	Player	Wk 7 Pts
Under The Covers	Snooki	0
Coach	Sammi	0
Mike Gassett	Emily	25
	Week Total	25
	Previous Total	411
	Overall Total	436
Team	Player	Wk 7 Pts
Unconcealed Erection	Courtney	30
Coach	Kacie B.	5
Tom Runger	Situation	30
	Pauly D	0
	Tyrie	25
	Robin	30
	Diem	25
	Abram	25
	Week Total	170
	Previous Total	538
	Overall Total	708
Team	Player	Wk 7 Pts
Lead of Faith	Lindzi C.	20
Coach	Nicki	10
Alex Gasick	Ronnie
	Vinny
	Jasmine	25
	CT	25
	Rachel	35
	Camilla	50
	Week Total	165
	Previous Total	390
	Overall Total	555
Team	Player	Wk 7 Pts
Situational Grenades	Emily	15
Coach	Rachel	15
Juozas	Deena	30
	J Woww
	Ty Ruff	25
	Cara Maria	25
	Johnny	50
	Dunbar	25
	Week Total	185
	Previous Total	170
	Overall Total	355
Standings	Total Points
1. Unconcealed Erection	708
2. Leap of Faith	555
3. Under the Covers	436
4. Situational Grenades	355

Week 6 Scores

Team	Player	Wk 6 Pts
Under The Covers	Blakeley	20
Coach	Snooki
Mike Gassett	Sammi
	Leroy
	Wes
	Emily	10
	Sarah
	Week Total	30
	Previous Total	381
	Overall Total	411
Team	Player	Wk 6 Pts
Unconcealed Erection	Courtney	25
Coach	Kacie B.	5
Tom Runger	Situation	5
	Pauly D
	Tyrie
	Robin
	Diem
	Abram	20
	Week Total	55
	Previous Total	483
	Overall Total	538
Team	Player	Wk 6 Pts
Lead of Faith	Lindzi C.	10
Coach	Nicki	5
Alex Gasick	Casey S.	105
	Ronnie
	Vinny	40
	Jasmine
	CT
	Rachel
	Camilla
	Week Total	160
	Previous Total	230
	Overall Total	390
Team	Player	Wk 6 Pts
Situational Grenades	Emily	5
Coach	Rachel	5
Juozas	Deena
	J Woww	5
	Ty Ruff	10
	Cara Maria
	Johnny
	Dunbar
	Week Total	25
	Previous Total	145
	Overall Total	170
Standings
1. Unconcealed Erection	538
2. Under the Covers	411
3. Leap of Faith	390
4. Situational Grenades	170

Week 5 Scores

Team Player Wk 5 Pts Under The Covers Jennifer 15 Coach Blakeley 10 Mike Gassett Snooki 20 Sammi Leroy 10 Wes Emily Sarah 105 Week Total 160 Previous Total 221 Overall Total 381 Team Player Wk 5 Pts Unconcealed Erection Courtney 65 Coach Kacie B. 5 Tom Runger Elyse 15 Situation 20 Pauly D 5 Tyrie 25 Robin Diem Abram Week Total 135 Previous Total 348 Overall Total 483 Player Wk 5 Pts Team Lindzi C. Lead of Faith Nicki 5 Coach Casey S. Alex Gasick Jaclyn Ronnie Vinny 5 Jasmine 35 CT Rachel Camilla Week Total 45 Previous Total 185 Overall Total 230 Team Player Wk 5 Pts Situational Grenades Emily 5 Coach Samantha Juozas Jamie Rachel Deena J Woww Ty Ruff Cara Maria Johnny Dunbar Week Total 5 Previous Total 140 Overall Total 145 Standings 1. Unconcealed Erection 483 2. Under the Covers 381 3. Leap of Faith 230 4. Situational Grenades 145

Waiver Notification

Team Unconcealed Erection

—Drops: Dustin (the Gay pornstar)

—Picks Up: Robin (The Mom)

Season 2: Week 4 Scores

Team	Player	Wk 4 Pts
Under The Covers	Jennifer	5
Coach	Blakeley
Mike Gassett	Snooki
	Sammi	55
	Leroy
	Wes	10
	Emily
	Sarah	25
	Week Total	95
	Previous Total	126
	Overall Total	221
Team	Player	Wk 4 Pts
Unconcealed Erection	Courtney	30
Coach	Kacie B.	10
Tom Runger	Elyse
	Situation	5
	Pauly D
	Tyrie
	Dustin
	Diem	25
	Abram
	Week Total	70
	Previous Total	278
	Overall Total	348
	Player	Wk 4 Pts
Team	Lindzi C.
Lead of Faith	Nicki	5
Coach	Casey S.
Alex Gasick	Jaclyn
	Ronnie	20
	Vinny
	Jasmine	10
	CT	25
	Rachel
	Camilla	50
	Week Total	110
	Previous Total	75
	Overall Total	185
Team	Player	Wk 4 Pts
Situational Grenades	Emily	5
Coach	Samantha	5
Juozas	Jamie
	Rachel	5
	Deena	5
	J Woww
	Ty Ruff
	Cara Maria
	Johnny	50
	Dunbar
	Week Total	70
	Previous Total	70
	Overall Total	140
Standings
1. Unconcealed Erection	348
2. Under the Covers	221
3. Leap of Faith	185
4. Situational Grenades	140

Season 2: Week 3 Scores

Team	Player	Wk 3 Pts
Under The Covers	Jenna	OUT
Coach	Elyse
Mike Gassett	Blakeley
	Shawn	OUT
	Anna	OUT
	Amber B.	OUT
	Snooki	15
	Sammi
	Week Total	15
	Previous Total	111
	Overall Total	126
Team	Player	Wk 3 Pts
Unconcealed Erection	Courtney	45
Coach	Erika	20
Tom Runger	Kacie B.	5
	Shira	OUT
	Monica	5
	Situation	25
	Pauly D	25
	Week Total	125
	Previous Total	153
	Overall Total	278
Team	Player	Wk 3 Pts
Lead of Faith	Lindzi C.	10
Coach	Amber T.	OUT
Alex Gasick	Nicki	5
	Holly	OUT
	Casey S.
	Jaclyn	5
	Ronnie
	Vinny
	Week Total	20
	Previous Total	55
	Overall Total	75
Team	Player	Wk 3 Pts
Situational Grenades	Diana	OUT
Coach	Brittney	35
Juozas	Emily	5
	Samantha
	Jamie
	Rachel	5
	Lyndzie J.	OUT
	Deena	10
	J Woww
	Week Total	55
	Previous Total	15
	Overall Total	70
Standings
1. Unconcealed Erection	278
2. Under the Covers	126
3. Leap of Faith	75
4. Situational Grenades	70

Waiver Notification

-Mike picks up Jennifer off of Waivers and drops Elise.

- Tom subsequently picks up Elise and drops Monica.

-Currently available: Monica

Season 2: Week 2 Scores

Team	Player	Wk 2 Pts
Under The Covers	Jenna	10
Coach	Elyse
Mike Gassett	Blakeley	10
	Shawn
	Anna
	Amber B.
	Snooki	21
	Sammi
	Week Total	41
	Previous Total	70
	Overall Total	111
Team	Player	Wk 2 Pts
Unconcealed Erection	Courtney	15
Coach	Erika
Tom Runger	Kacie B.	5
	Shira
	Monica
	Situation	22
	Pauly D	36
	Week Total	78
	Previous Total	75
	Overall Total	153
Team	Player	Wk 2 Pts
Lead of Faith	Lindzi C.
Coach	Amber T.
Alex Gasick	Nicki
	Holly
	Casey S.
	Jaclyn
	Ronnie
	Vinny	30
	Week Total	30
	Previous Total	25
	Overall Total	55
Team	Player	Wk 2 Pts
Situational Grenades	Diana
Coach	Brittney
Juozas	Emily
	Samantha
	Jamie
	Rachel
	Lyndzie J.
	Deena	5
	J Woww
	Week Total	5
	Previous Total	10
	Overall Total	15
Standings
1. Unconcealed Erection	153
2. Under the Covers	111
3. Leap of Faith	55
4. Situational Grenades	15

Jersey Shore: Then and Now

Just a few short years ago, a new MTV series called Jersey Shore hit the airwaves and took America by storm. Within a few months, Guidos, fist-punping, GTL, and smushing became a part of our everyday lives. The show was beautiful in every way possible, and became an incredible success. Of course, like all such things, MTV decided to ride the money train until it went off the cliff.

It has gone off the cliff. Jersey Shore has steadily been spiraling downward since Season 2 in Miami, and has never recovered. In fact, it is becoming more of an embarrassment than anything else. Do I still watch the Shore every week? Yes. Do I hate myself for it? Definitely. Can I stop? No. But I must say that I will almost be relieved if and when this show is finally in America’s collective rear view mirror.

I recently rewatched Seasons 1 and 2 in anticipation of the beginning of Season 5. It made me remember what exactly it was that we all fell in love with, and more importantly, what it is that has gone wrong since. The golden age of Jersey Shore is gone, and I doubt that it will ever be back. But I think it is important to acknowledge what exactly went wrong.

Not even the bed was spared

Ronnie and Sam: Everyone loves a little drama in relationships. And if that relationship is filmed and subsequently televised for millions of viewers’ entertainment, all the better. Such was the case with Ronnie and Sammi. In season 1 they met, danced around a bit, and eventually hooked up after Sammi realized that The Situation was, well, The Situation. From there we enjoyed the thrilling roller coaster ride that was their relationship. They fought, broke up, cheated on each other, yelled at each other, destroyed friendships, and even occasionally smushed. It was great television.

But then something went horribly wrong. It didn’t stop. Imagine riding on a 35 minute roller coaster. That is Rammi’s relationship. How could the producers not find alternate story lines to explore? Why oh why did they continue to force feed us the same crap for a good portion of Seasons 3 and 4? It became painful to watch. Furthermore, how on earth do the producers not find a new spin to it, like paying for some of their Ex’s to “randomly” show up in Seaside or get Sammi to bring home a guy from the clubs one night? Can you imagine the entertainment value of a drunken Ronnie stumbling into Sammi’s room at 4 am.. to make up for the 87th time, only to find another dude playing hide the Italian Sausage with her? Or the fake-nailed slapping fury that would ensue when a security tape revealing Ronnie’s drunken grenade-barraged episodes at a night club “just happened to show up” on Sammi’s doorstep? The potential is there. But all we see over and over again is yelling, crying, and the occasional roid-induced bed toss from Ronnie. It’s shameful and embarrassing to watch. I think Vinny summed up their relationship perfectly following yet another one of their fights in Italy: “Like, you guys just aren’t a good time…Seriously.” No Vinny, no they are not.

Angelina: Okay, hear me out. I realize that Angelina was probably the dumbest, most illogical, and unwarranted-ly (just give it to me) cocky people on earth. But she was a hoot to watch. She really was. And she was versatile too. She fought with everyone, hooked up with everyone, and caused drama in a variety of ways. From Day 1 the Staten Island dump made her presence felt by cock-blocking like a champ and yelling at anyone who dared call her out. In Season 2, she stepped it up to the next level. One of the funniest parts of the entire season was when she drunkenly yelled at and slapped Pauly for dancing with a married girl at the club. As she pathetically tried to articulate her love for Pauly, the baffled DJ and Situation looked on, horrified. It was great.

Angelina also brought out the best in her house mates. Not only did she give them all someone to universally hate (other then themselves), but she also brought out some awesome quotes from them, all directed at her. Let’s take a look at each cast member’s best Angelina diss:

• Vinny – “The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island my ass. More like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island you ugly bitch!”
• Pauly – (after Angelina called him out for dancing with a married girl, which he wasn’t even aware of when he danced with her) “Wasn’t her boyfriend in Jersey married?…C’mon”
• Mike - “Yo shut your mouth, you dirty little hamster.”
• Ronnie - She’s like the Staten Island Ferry. Everybody gets a ride, and it’s free.”
• JWoww - “You can stay, get your ass beat, you can stay, get your ass beat, stay, get your ass beat!” or “You should know about trashy honey, you’re from Staten Island!”
• Snooki - (see: Snooki v. Angelina fight, Season 2 Episode 10)
• Sammi - “Angelina, oh hell no.”

Of course her crowning moment had to be the episode where she left Miami. She had a fight with Situation, a questionable dirty tampon incident, and one of the stupidest self-reflections in human history when Mike invited her to the club with the rest of the crew (“Me, what I’m gonna do personally, is find out what’s best for myself. And I’m gonna decide what I want to do personally, for me, and myself.”). It all culminated in her brawl with Snooki at the end of the episode. Ronnie commented her fight that led up to her exit:

Standing in one corner, at 4’9″, two inches with the poof: Snooki. Standing in the other corner, at 322 pounds: The Staten Island Dump.

Angelina, you weren’t perfect. But it was your imperfections that made you so beautiful. You caused drama, made stupid drunken mistakes, got in physical fights, cried, and talked trash. What more could we ask for?

One Shot: Season 1 vs. Season 4: In the first season of Shore, we had arguably the greatest moment in not only Jersey Shore, but television history. I am of course talking about the legendary “One Shot, Bro” incident. After some drunken club-goers had talked trash to the Jersey crew, the cast was escorted away from trouble. However, someone must have forgotten to hold onto the roid-raging bronzed ape that is Ronnie, because he was able to take off into the darkness before his friends, and more importantly, the camera crew could catch him. The next thing we see is Ronnie hopping back into sight shouting the immortalized quote of “That’s one shot, bro” as the camera panned to an (allegedly) comatose would-be shit-talker on the ground. I’m no doctor, but I am fairly certain that a head is not supposed to be twisted backwards like that. Possibly the only thing more hilarious than Ronnie knocking this kid to kingdom come was his attempted self-defense plea when the cops came to scoop him up. Meanwhile in the background his “attacker” was being  placed in the back of an ambulance in a futile attempt to revive him as his friends made funeral arrangements. It’s moments like this that gave us hope, that made us believe in something bigger. It’s moments like this that made Jersey Shore what it is.

And what do we get in Italy? Another One Shot, if you will. And once again, we thought Ronnie was going to be involved. The entire season hyped up Ronnie and Situation finally squaring off, and Situation’s subsequent paralysis. The trailer told the story. And then the reality hit. It wasn’t in fact the resident Silverback who left Situation with the glassy-eyed look of lifelessness. No, it was a brick wall. What MTV had hyped as the fight of the century turned out to be possibly the most disappointing and pathetic pugilistic display in recent history. Now if this incident had simply occurred during the course of an episode, it would have been fine. But the fact that MTV led up to it for soooooo long, and then had such a weak pay off is what makes this sinful. Shame on you, MTV…shame on you.

Pauly D: This is a perfect example of how fame has destroyed the integrity of the Jersey Shore cast. In Season 1 and 2 Pauly D had some insightful comments. No seriously, he did. He was definitely one of my favorite characters. He did his thing, got with girls, and was relatively down to earth. Flash forward to a more famous and self-aware Pauly D, and we have the monster we know today. His personality in later seasons consists of his classic “(Random word) Yea! Oh, Yea!”, trying to create absolutely atrocious catch phrases, such as the “She’s too young for you, bro” episode, and trying to use the show to legitimize his DJ career. Pauly D is a shell of the once great man that we fell in love with.

In a word, "Woof"

Deena and the Rise of Team Meatball: After Angelina left, the producers were left with a watershed moment in Jersey Shore history. They could leave the show with 7 people, bring in some hot 22-year-old sparkplug to stir up some trouble and hopefully hook up with Ronnie, or even bring in a non-Guido just for the hell of it. Instead, the producers made one of the worst managerial moves since the Chargers drafted Ryan Leaf: Deena. With this ushered in the era of Team Meatball. Team Meatball consists of Snooki and Deena. The producers actually managed to find a girl who is (seemingly impossibly) shorter than Snooki, (seemingly impossibly) louder than Snooki, (seemingly impossibly) drunker than Snooki, (seemingly impossibly) uglier than Snooki, and (seemingly impossibly) more annoying than Snooki. The casting decision boggles the mind. MTV could have gotten any hot Italian girl to be on this show, and they go with Deena. I honestly think I could be sloppafied at a bar and have no interest in hooking up with the girl. She just sucks. Deena is nothing more than a parrot for Snooki, a girl who literally has never said a single thing that is worth saying again. Deena, you are hideous, annoying, and a large reason for the decline of a once great show.

JWoww Becomes a Mom: I was never the hugest fan of JWoww, even in the earlier seasons, but one thing you couldn’t deny was that the girl had spunk. Whether she was hitting up a club in one of her patented stripper outfits, exploring Pauly D’s pierced penis, round-housing the Situation, or asking Sammi if she’d “grown some balls finally” (uh….what?), Jenni brought some flare to the show. That all changed with the arrival of Team Meatball. Realizing that Snooki and Deena were in no way capable of taking care of themselves, JWoww took it upon herself to become the authority figure that I am sure neither of them experienced growing up. This came at a price. The price being our entertainment. Quick, name the top 3 entertaining things that Jenni did in Season 3 and 4! You are probably having trouble. And that’s probably because she hasn’t done shit other than babysit Snooki and Co. JWoww has become a bore and a FRTVL owner’s nightmare.

 

The list goes on and on, but that’s about all I can stomach at this point. It’s a shame that like all great things, Jersey Shore hasn’t been able to go out with dignity, but instead is being run into the ground for every penny that can be made off of it. I would have liked to see Jersey Shore go out with the one thing it has never had on the show: Class. Who knows, maybe, just maybe this season will redeem JS and make us all believe again. Maybe it will go out with a bang. It’s possible… Me, I’m not holding my breath. But I will be watching.

 

Jersey Shore Draft Analysis

The Situation and Pauly will be desperate to smush, realizing their 15 minutes of fame could be coming to an end

Mike – Under the Covers

1. Snooki –  The question this season isn’t whether or not Team Meatball will continue to get sloppafied every episode of Jersey Shore…they will. The issue is whether or not the producers are going to continue to air the most talented and explosive duo since Kobe and Shaq. At what point does the noon cocktail hour while on the clock and subsequent Public Intox arrest simply become repetitive? At what point does that all-too-familiar blur in between Snooki’s Thunder Thighs get boring? At what point do Deena’s nonsensical drunken pleas to “Do Sex”  start to lose their novelty? That will determine how much this first overall pick produces this year. In order to continue to put up monster numbers, Snooki is going to need to find new ways of exploiting her sloppy, slurring self. But with Situation’s hench-Guido “The Unit” in the picture, something tells me that will be no problem at all. Let’s look at Snooki’s competition for camera time:

• Situation - While the Sitch is likely to get some camera time, most of it will probably revolve around pissing off his housemates, namely Snooki.
• Vinny - The way things are looking, I am guessing Vinny won’t be around too much longer.
• Pauly D - Biggest contribution will probably be a few “(Insert any word or term known to the English language) YEA!!!” in the background.
• Ronnie - Might be seen occasionally on his way to or coming back from the gym. Unless Single Ronnie is resurrected yet again…
• Sammi - Who?
• JWoww - Resident mom, don’t see her doing much
• Deena - Snooki’s shadow, won’t take anything away from Snooks.

8. Sammi - Sammi is currently with Ronnie, meaning she will get no crying points, no intoxication points, and definitely no coitus points. Team Under the Covers will be lucky to pick up 2.5 Mirror Primping Points on a weekly basis. Aside from that, don’t look for Sammi to put up too many points week to week.

Juozas – Situational Grenades

2. Situation (traded to Tom) – The Situation didn’t leave Italy in a good place with his house mates. He also didn’t enter Jersey in a good place. You know it is bad, when the Car Accident of a couple that is Sammi and Ronnie are angry that they have to room with you. But that is the low that Situation was at entering this season. He didn’t do much to help his case when his friend (and apparently only loved on to show up at the Welcome Back Party) The Unit showed up and immediately began stirring up shit with Snooki across the bar. This was awkward enough with the family members present, but was taken to a new level by the fact that Snooki’s boyfriend, the (allegedly) oblivious Jionni was also there. This is just a preview into Situation’s potential production this season. It is pretty much a lock that he will be throwing up points for verbal fighting, physical fighting, and possibly some male crying. It would also be irresponsible to overlook last season’s injuries. Situation’s encounter with the wall in Italy not only left him concussed, might might have some lingering effects. Who is to say he didn’t suffer some serious brain damage? Whatever the case may be, Situation looks like he is trying to go out with a bang in the (alleged) final season of the Shore.

7. JWoww – The past few seasons, JWoww has essentially become Snooki and Deena’s mother. This does not bode well for Juozas, her owner. We need to see the JWoww of old back in action,  cheating on her boyfriend with Pauly D, starting verbal confrontations left and right, and occasionally round-housing the Situation after being kicked out of a club. A big factor here will be her relationship with Roger. If the two stay together, look for more of the same. If the couple breaks up, look for JWoww to come back with a passion.

Tom – Unconcealed Erection

3. Deena (Traded to Juozas) – Deena is basically Snooki’s Meatball shadow, what I can only assume is an incredibly fulfilling experience. I recently saw on Deena’s twitter that there is a contact page to “Reserve Deena Appearances”. I wonder what exactly these appearances entail? Does Deena “do sex” with all the twelve years olds at Jimmy’s party? Does she give motivational speeches at K-Mart conventions? Does she twirl plates at Bachelorette parties? I don’t know how much it costs to book Deena, but I believe it is a safe assumption that it is too much. Deena’s memorable quote from the season’s teaser trailer is “You know it’s bad when I am the sober one.” I am horrified to think of what cast member could possibly be drunk enough to make Deena appear sober. Since Snooki gets major camera time, and Deena spends most of her time tangled in Snooki’s leopard print G-strings, it is a foregone conclusion that Deena will put up points. Too bad there isn’t a statistic for Awkwardly sitting silently at the foot of another house mate’s room for 2 minutes in a pathetic cock-clocking attempt. If that were the case, Deena would have been a home run as a draft.

6. Pauly D - I think Pauly D turns 38 this season. Seriously, he is currently in the transition period where he goes from being that ‘cool, outgoing, funky-haired DJ at the clubs’ to that ‘creepy old guy lurking in the corner trying to determine which sorority girl is most willing to make a big mistake’. Pauly’s scoring has notably declined over the past few seasons, and it wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that age has something to do with it. For Pauly to put up points, he needs to go “Ask his doctor about Viagra” and start putting up some major coitus points.

Alex – Leap of Faith

4. Ronnie – The Difference between Single Ronnie and Ronnie is like the difference between Michael Jordan on the Bulls and Michael Jordan on the Wizards. Right now, Ronnie is in an (allegedly) happy and unabusive relationship with Sammi. As long as this continues, look for Ronnie to put up startlingly low numbers. The best that Alex can hope for at this point is for a few physical confrontations in the club. All that testosterone is building up, and God knows Sammi isn’t going to release it. This is a risky pick at fourth overall, but Alex didn’t really have anywhere else to go. All he can do now is pray for a couple extra strong batches of Ron-Ron Juice here and there, and maybe…just maybe there will be a few fireworks.

5. Vinny – It all comes down to one thing: how long will the producers milk Vinny’s inevitable departure? If Vinny takes off next episode, Alex is in trouble. But if Vinny goes back and fourth a few episodes, continuing to mentally spiral downhill, he could put up some big points. Again, this is another risky pick, but it could pay off huge.